Welcome back to my blog!
I am sorry I didn’t post this yesterday, but yesterday was when I got this piece.
Anyway, let’s get into it.
Perhaps you have heard similar statements. Every minute counts, never wait for the perfect time to do something etc.
Sounds cliché and all until you’re in a situation where you are forced to understand what that means.
Five years ago, one of my greatest desire in life was fulfilled. I finally got to get married to an amzing man. (Clearly I am not talking about myself.)
To date it remains one of the memorable days of my life.
Naturally, we both had plans to have children. The plan was that we would have our first child from the second year of marriage. However, it seemed that that wasn’t a good plan (at least according to our parents).They wanted to hold grandchildren in their hands already.
We caved in and I went off family planning.
I personally thought that I would conceive within no time. That it would be an expeditious process, like how soldiers are deployed in times of war. This was not the case. I ended up conceiving in the fourth year of marriage (that is, last year).
It was in no means an easy pregnancy on my part. See, I was well preapred on what to expect. I had done my research and everything. I had consulted some of my friends who were already mums about the nitty gritties. I was as prepared as could be in short. However, when my time came, things seemed a little off (well okay, not so little) .
I could sense that my husband was also worried as I would be in a lot of pain sometimes and even if he wanted to, there was nothing he could do to soothe it (except rush me to hospital ).
As such, it was no surprise when i went into labour before my due date. Yes, I had a premature birth. Of course at this point, the first thing that you pray for is that your child survives. My baby survived but was however diagnosed with Apnea of prematurity.
Apnea is a term for the absence of breathing for more than 20 seconds. It can occur in full-term babies, but is more common in premature babies. The more premature the baby, the greater the chances that apnea will occur.
This scared me. I was so clueless on how to handle this condition but i was guided on what to do whenever such episodes arose in my child. Due to this, I decided that I would really altogether just take a long break from work as my child now needed undivided attention. This meant that I had to stay up all night as well as I could not tell when the breathing would stop and more especially because the episodes were most common when the baby was asleep.
In these times, it is necessary to ensure that there is a continuous positive airway pressure in the child. A mechanical breathing machine that pushes a continuous flow of air or oxygen to the airways can be used as it help keep tiny air passages in the lungs open. This is what I used to do and my child would then breathe normally again.
Six months down the line, I began to burn out. It was becoming really tiring as I still had to do the other chores in the house during the day.I had to keep my baby awake and entertained as I did most of the chores. Anything to prevent him from sleeping. Remember that at night I was wide awake still. I had to get help.
I got a day bug to assist with the chores and things finally started getting easier for me. I could sneak in a few naps as the nanny played with my son. I had made it clear to her that if he started showing signs of being sleepy she informs me immediately.
My husband would help with the treatment at times, when I was just too tired or when he just felt like I needed a break. So over the weekends he would be the one staying up mostly.
So one particlar day, baby had his episode again. I then of course gave him treatment as usual. On this day, he did not respond. I was terrified and literally losing my mind. I screamed and my husband came to see what was going on. He then took the machine and tried to administer the treatment himself. After seeing that it was not working, we just rushed to the hospital.
He knew that baby was dead but just could not tell me at that point. Myself I could not even stand the thought of that. I knew we could get help. So long as the doctor had not said so there is hope, plus could God really forsake me like that ?
After pushing the inevitable for as long as I could, I got the words from the doctor. Baby was no more.
This really took a toll on me.I went into depression. I did not want anyone to even visit me at home as they would not know what to tell me.Then there would be an awkward silence in the room an I would remember the songs I sang and games I played with baby to keep him entertained. I had done so much really. As much as I possibly could.
I did not leave the house for anyone. I did not watch TV or use my phone. I just did not wnat to come across anything that made me feel worse. Like seeing pictures of children of mothers with their children.
I had felt that I had made steps and was finally recovering. I even started using my phone again and thinking of going back to work. This was the case until earlier this month when it was mother’s day and everything came flashing back. I thought I would not make it through the day.
Surprisingly however, I instead tuned my mind to think of the positive side in all this. I had brought a human into this world. I had been gifted such a bundle of joy and there is no day nor sleepless night I regret.
We could not go on anymore wth this conversation as it had already gotten too emotional..
People are always going through stuff, be kind.
The future is uncertain. Put all your best efforts today, love your hardest, grind your hardest just give 100% of all you have. The next second is not guaranteed but make each that you have count. It’s a blessing.
Tune in for Friday.
You can still reach me if you want me to tell your story. You can remain anonymous.
Enjoy the rest of your week people.