I started the year with 5 new notebooks and I’m happy to report that 1 is actually completely filled up. What an achievement !
At the moment I’m honestly feeling so loved and it’s amazing! It’s even more amazing for me to be able to actually express how I feel to the people around me. To be able to say “I love you”, “I enjoy your company” etc etc . It’s such a huge step! Some of these things I wasn’t able to say out loud for a long time.
I can’t help but remember how I was a couple of years back. I never used to be as expressive (vocally) as I am right now.
I think part of the reason I wasn’t as expressive stems from my younger years. Being a naturally sensitive person wasn’t always considered a “good” thing to be.
Someone would question “why do you have to feel so much? You can’t possibly be that hurt by what so and so said” etc etc etc..
The whole time it’s honestly just who I am. I care that much therefore I feel that much. Yes I am that affected. And I guess because of that, I never thought that I could ever be expressive because it would be too much.
I remember talking to a friend of mine recently and we were trying to work out things after a disagreement we had. I told him how I felt that at times when I express that I’m offended or hurt, I don’t feel like a lot of people get the magnitude of that. I feel like some people would think to themselves “You can’t possibly be that mad just because of this and that ..” Almost like saying that would be too much of you to feel this type of way.
Have you ever felt that way too ?
To a point where it’s almost like someone would want to police how you feel and how much you should feel. I have seen this happen for instance when people are grieving. I just don’t understand how people actually have the audacity to do this. ..
I attended a forum where we were having a discussion around this and to hear that some people would be told things that would insinuate for instance, if you’re a friend of the deceased, you can’t possibly hurt the same or even more than the relatives of the deceased …
It’s something that frustrates me till date.
All that said, I’m happy that I’m still finding my loud voice. My whispers are getting louder and that’s enough for me.