Hello there ! Welcome back to my blog!
To be completely honest, I’ve truly missed this space. I know it’s been a minute since I was on here but I hope you’ve been keeping well since we last interacted. We’re actually in the last quarter of the year and I don’t even think it’s sank in yet.
Lasting tough times….
I won’t even front, but this year has really dealt me some pretty difficult days and on some occasions even weeks. Have you ever been in a constant state of hurt and pain ? Like if it’s not that then it’s just numbness. I was actually looking at my previous drafts (that are now deleted) and all I could imagine was the pain I felt when writing them up.
I also remembered conversations I had with a friend of mine. How they would tell me that in the many years they’ve known me, they’ve never experienced this version of me that described pain with such rawness and deep intensity. That it was honestly scary for them. When the main parameter for checking on my progress became how many times a week I cried. Once or twice a week literally called for celebration and treats. Remembering to breathe when crying counted as bonus points. Crying that didn’t end up in throbbing headaches ? We could overlook that !
I sometimes can’t believe that I have regained a sense of normalcy in my life. I’ve reached very very dark places in the last couple of months but I’m glad I now see light; or some form of it. Sometimes it still seems like it’s faltering and it’s about to go off and it starts to feel scary all over again. Scary because I don’t know if I can come back if I reach those depths of darkness again. (Okay, I probably can but the work it takes ! The toll !) Familiarity is lost , which I mean is to be expected. After all, you lose that version of yourself. It’s the only way to get out. Holding on to that version of yourself, seems familiar and safe yes but also holds you back and leaves you trapped in that darkness.
Do you know how nice it is to actually have a conversation with someone and not break down ? To actually genuinely smile again for a photo ? To be able to healthily talk yourself out of self destructive and intrusive thoughts ?
I mean the crying is still there occasionally, but it’s the inconsistency for me now.
It’s literally a new beginning for me in some way. I’m taking my time to figure this out. On some days I feel like I’m making good progress. One some days I’m very erratic and to be honest I’m not even mad at that. It’s my life and I can move they way I want to you know. I hope you do the same for yours too because it’s oooh so freeing !
And you know what ?
I’m actually proud of myself. I’m happy I’ve gotten to this point. I wish I could just literally breakdown everything for you but that would mean writing a whole book and sis isn’t there yet.
Just doing it …
You remember those things you said you wanted to do; from your childhood and even till now ? Have you done them ? Do you think you’ll do them ? If not, what’s the reason ?
I’ve actually purposed to do all those things I’ve wanted to do. From those ‘when I grow up I’d want to be a model’ to ‘ I want to travel to all the countries in the world’.
And so in that same spirit, I started a YouTube channel. So incase you didn’t know that because you perhaps just interact with me via this blog, now you do.
Click here to check it out and see if it’s content you’d want to consume and stuff.
Thank you for reading this post.
Leave a comment so that we continue the conversation over there.
May October be kind to all of us 💛 !