BLOGMAS Day 5 : Maybe not in my inside voice sometimes

‘I’d like to say something !’

No one else hears me except the two people sitting right next to me. After my futile attempts of projecting my voice as best as I can one of them intervenes and amplifies the fact that I’m trying to say something.

It’s something that I’ve become used to by now and honestly I do appreciate such moments. However, I usually just wonder if I have just grown up suppressing my voice to the point that I’ve believed I couldn’t be any louder.

I always say I can’t scream or shout, but what if I can? What if I have just tricked myself into believing that I cannot? Why do I think I will choke if I raise my voice?

In my head, some of my thoughts are anything but quiet and calm. I have read of how some people don’t have a thinking voice and wow!

Everything is jumbled up, messy and chaotic. It’s like multiple personalities up there; but also the same person. The picture I painted above actively plays out in my mind but there’s no one next to me to amplify the softer voice(s) as I would like to refer to them as. The voices that are quiet are the ones that would remind me to do certain things that perhaps come naturally to people. Like, make sure you’ve carried your key before leaving etc.

I have a particular friend I talk to a lot and he tells me I have an active mind. I have made reference to this before but I literally get lost in my thoughts and forget things I was doing. The things that should come to mind first in some cases don’t and it sucks.

I used to have cases of tossing out things I shouldn’t. For example, a spoon after clearing out the plate instead of the remains or after peeling a fruit, the fruit instead of the peel. I rarely have cash on me because if I hold cash in my hand, there’s a likelihood I’ll drop it after some minutes. These may seem little but something more dangerous happened to me a couple of months ago.

I prepared a meal, took the pot off the cooker and all, served went to eat then just chilled for maybe two hours before taking my plate back to the kitchen. Can you guess what I saw? I had left the burner on and I had no clue how. I have never been so scared and I was alone in the house. I think the only thing that saved me was the fact that the burner was on low heat. But to just come and see there was an open flame for hours? Like I’m a risk to myself and others pretty much. It sounds unreal but it happened and shook the living daylights out of me.

In such moments I just wonder where my mind was. What was occupying my thoughts so much that it didn’t occur to me to focus on turning off the cooker? Why was there no loud voice reminding me to switch and turn off the burner?

I’m now easily dependent on to-do lists and reminders because my mind wanders off to so many things most of the time. so any moment I feel like I’m likely to remember something too late or not at all and it would be important, I set a reminder on my phone.

You can imagine just how messy it is when someone tries to alter my plans, it’s the surest way for me to lose control of all these moving parts.

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