While I absolutely love the holidays, it’s also the time I feel the impact of losing my loved ones the most. My sense of grief is heightened during this period as people retreat away from the city to be with their loved ones ; back home or on vacation.
For a long time my greatest desire has been and still is to have plans that involved travel so that maybe I could be distracted from my feelings around this time. Just like previous years, this time around once again I’ll still be in the city around this time. I mean yes, as you’re reading this I’m on a trip at the coast but this is barely a few days to Christmas and all.
I guess I’m writing this post for those who like me resonate.
My birthday falls precisely in the thick of festivities and in a way focusing on that makes me forget my pain. But the next day ? Whew !
I’ve had to in a way search deep within and answer some hard questions. For example, How can I define home for myself now ?
They say home is not a place but a person or something close to that. So am I now homeless if my people are no longer there ? (I don’t have a straight answer )
There’s so much that comes to my mind on numerous occasions. Sometimes it’s calling their phone numbers that have been etched in my memory forever. Of course , they have been given to new users now and it shows just how quickly things change I guess.
I get mad at myself at times because I can’t find the last chats and messages – I want to know what the last thing I texted was. I can’t find some of the photos . I’ve changed phones through the years and just somehow lost what would now be memories for me look back at. So maybe I should store my current ones better so that years from now I can retrieve them ? But what if that platform is obsolete years from now ?
Even as I write this , you can probably sense just how obsessive these thoughts can get ? I find ways of “coping” here and there but I cannot for sure say it’s a one size fits all.
I’m at the point where I understand that it can get hard. I understand that this season will always come each year but with every year I try to add something in there that will spark some joy for me.
One of the things that will spark joy for me is definitely this pre-birthday trip. I will look back at these days with joy for sure. You know , something just for me.
I have a couple of shows and movies I’ve postponed watching so that I can binge on them. I’m taking any opportunity to meet up with my friends who will be available any day during this season. Of course scheduling my crying time as well. Still a work in progress but the first part is done. Admitting it does get hard. It’s not very merry yes , but I can get me a jingle at least. Sending my love to anyone else who will be finding this season particularly difficult. Even if the sun won’t shine through, catch a glimpse of the rays that try to peek in.
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